01 April 2025

Understanding why we get angry and how to manage it can be transformative. When we “see red” and feel our temper rising, a mixture of physical reactions and deep-seated emotions are at play. It’s not just about the momentary frustration but often linked to past experiences, memories, or feelings of being undervalued. This article explores what really happens inside us during these moments of anger and shares simple, effective steps to help regain control. By recognising anger as a signal rather than letting it dictate our responses, we can learn to pause, reflect, and choose a more thoughtful path, leading to a calmer and more intentional life. Let’s dive into understanding anger better and how to turn it into an opportunity for personal growth.

When a person gets angry, what is really happening?

When someone “sees red” and gets angry, what is really happening is a combination of physiological, emotional, and mental reactions. First, there is a physical response – your body floods with adrenaline, your heart rate spikes, and your breathing gets shallow. This is your flight-or-fight system kicking in, preparing you to defend yourself or react to a perceived threat. It’s primal, automatic, and often disproportionate to the actual situation.

But here’s the kicker: most of the time, that anger isn’t about the present moment. It is an old story, an old wound, or an unresolved hurt bubbling up. Maybe someone said something that triggered a memory of being disrespected, or maybe you’re feeling undervalued in some area of your life, and at this moment just lit the match. Often, it’s what is called the “drama mind” – your ego stepping in, saying, “How dare they?” or “Why me?” it’s not about the person who cut you off in traffic or the coworker who made a snide comment, it’s about how you’re interpreting it based on past experiences.

The key is awareness. When you feel that anger rising, pause. Ask yourself, “What’s really going on here? Is this about this moment, or is this an old story playing out?” That pause gives you the power to respond intentionally instead of reacting impulsively.

5 Keys Steps to Get You Back on Track When Angry

Here are 5 actionable steps to release anger and get back on track. These are practical, proven strategies that will help you regain control and move forward with intention:

Pause and Breathe

The moment you feel anger rising, stop. Don’t react. Instead, take 20 deep breaths from your belly. Count each one. This is not just about calming down – it’s about creating space between the stimulus (what triggered you) and your response. That space is where your power lies. Deep breathing literally signals your brain to shift out of fight-or-flight mode and into a calmer state.

Check Your Body

Anger often shows up physically – tight shoulders, clenched fists, a stiff neck. Once you have paused and started breathing, scan your body. Where are you holding tension? Drop your shoulders, unclench your jaw, and stand or sit up straight. Your body cues your brain, so when you relax physically, your mind starts to follow.

Ask Yourself, “What’s Really Going On?”

This is where you get curious instead of reactive. Is this anger about the current situation, or is it tied to something deeper – and old wound, unmet expectations, or feeling disrespected? Asking “What am I really upset about?” helps you to shift from reacting emotionally to responding thoughtfully.

Reframe the Situation

Once you have identified what’s really going on, challenge the story you are telling yourself. For example, if someone cut you off in traffic, instead of thinking” They’re so disrespectful!” you might say, “Maybe they’re rushing to an emergency.” This doesn’t excuse bad behavior, but it helps you let go of unnecessary emotional weight.

Take Aligned Action

Now that you have calmed down and gained clarity, decide on your next step. Do you need to have a constructive conversation? Do you need to let it go and refocus on your goals? Take an action that aligns with your highest self – the version of you that’s patient, intentional, and focused on growth.

The magic here is the practice. The more you use these steps, the more automatic they become. Anger doesn’t have to control you – it is just a signal, and you get to decide how to respond. By understanding this, you can use anger as a signal to pause and choose a calmer, more thoughtful reaction. When you notice anger rising, take deep breaths, check for physical tension, question what the anger is really about, reframe the situation, and decide on a constructive next step. Practicing these steps consistently can help turn anger from a controlling force into an opportunity for personal growth, leading to a more peaceful and intentional life.

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